Jokes

Q.What is the definition of an accountant?
A. Someone who solves a problem you did not know you had
in a way you don't understand.

Q: How was copper wire invented?
A: Two accountants were arguing over a penny

A lawyer and an accountant are applying to join the FBI. They have passed all tests but the final one. Both are in a waiting room ready for their final test. First, the lawyer is given a gun and told to go into the room and execute the spy sitting in the chair. The lawyer goes into the room, sees the person sitting in the chair blindfolded. She lifts the blindfold and sees it’s her husband. She leaves the room saying she could not shoot him. The lawyer is told she failed the test and can not become an FBI agent.

The accountant is given a gun and is told to execute the spy. The accountant goes into the room and the agents outside the room hear a gun shot. After this they hear a lot a rustling and banging.

Finally the accountant comes out and says, "someone put blanks in the gun so I had to choke him to death."

A very successful partner in a big six firm had a peculiar habit. He would go to his desk open a locked drawer, look inside, lock the drawer again, and then start his work. His subordinates knew that he hid the secret of his success in the drawer, and they waited for an opportunity. One day when the partner had gone out of the city, the juniors decided to make a break. They broke into the drawer, breathlessly, and looked inside. There was one small piece of paper inside -

it said "left is debit and right is credit."

A lost balloonist lands in a random field and asks a man out walking his dog "Where am I?"
The man replies "you are three feet in front of me in the middle of a field"
"You must be an accountant!" retorts the balloonist
"How did you know that?" the man asks incredulously
"Easy. What you just told me is 100% accurate but absolutely useless!"

A well dressed accountant went into a bar to quench his thirst after a long day doing tax returns. He sat down, ordered and began to drink his beer. Almost immediately he heard a strange high-

pitched voice say, "Nice tie!" Looking around, he could not discover the source of the voice. Next he heard, "Your taste in clothes is impeccable!" The accountant's eyes darted about the bar, searching. Nothing! And shortly thereafter, "You are obviously a very intelligent man!" Again he could not figure out who was talking or where the voice was coming from. The accountant could not understand what was going on, so he called the bartender over and said, "I keep hearing voices! Where the hell are they coming from?" The bartender smiled, "Oh, don't let the voices bother you, sir... It's just those complimentary peanuts."

There once was a business owner who was interviewing people for a division manager position. He decided to select the individual that could answer the question "how much is 2+2?"
The engineer pulled out his slide rule and shuffled it back and forth, and finally announced, "It lies between 3.98 and 4.02".
The mathematician said, "In two hours I can demonstrate it equals 4 with the following short proof."
The physicist declared, "It's in the magnitude of 1x101."
The logician paused for a long while and then said, "This problem is solvable."
The social worker said, "I don't know the answer, but I a glad that we discussed this important question.
The attorney stated, "In the case of Svenson vs. the State, 2+2 was declared to be 4."
The trader asked, "Are you buying or selling?"
The accountant looked at the business owner, then got out of his chair, went to see if anyone was listening at the door and pulled the drapes. Then he returned to the business owner, leaned across the desk and said in a low voice, "What would you like it to be?"

The accountant had just read the story of Cinderella to his four year-old daughter for the first time. The little girl was fascinated by the story, especially the part where the pumpkin turns into a golden coach. Suddenly she piped up, "Daddy, when the pumpkin turned into a golden coach, would that be classed as income or a long-term capital gain?"

An accountant is in a car travelling with a farmer client around his farm.
They pass a large mob of sheep and the farmer says, "You're pretty good with numbers, Keith. How many sheep do you reckon are in that paddock?"
The accountant looks at the sheep for a moment and says,
"One thousand, eight hundred and thirty two."

The farmer is amazed. "Exactly right", he says.
"How did you work that out so fast?"

"Easy," says the accountant. "I counted the number of feet and divided by 4."

A local restaurant was so sure its massive Sumo chef was the strongest man around, they had a standing $1,000.00 offer that the chef would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass and then hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze just one more drop of juice out of the lemon would walk away with the money. Many people had tried, including weight lifters and wharfies, but nobody could do it.
One day a scrawny little man wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit came in and said in a tiny squeaky voice, "I'd like to try it". After the laughter had died down the chef said ,"OK". He grabbed a lemon and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. The crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and one by one 6 drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd erupted into cheering, the chef paid the $1,000.00 and asked, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a builder's labourer or what?"
He adjusted his glasses on his nose and said, "I work for the Tax Department".

A young accountant, straight out of uni, applies for a job advertised in the Sydney Morning Herald. He is interviewed by the owner of a small business who has built it up from scratch.
"I need someone with an accounting degree," says the man, "but mainly I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."
"How do you mean?" says the accountant.
"I have lots of things to worry about, but I want someone else to worry about money matters."
"OK," says the accountant. "How much are you offering?"
"You can start on seventy-five thousand," says the owner.
"Seventy-five thousand dollars. How can a business like this afford to pay so much?"
"That," says the man, "is your first worry."

An accountant is walking along the beach when he finds an old lamp. He picks it up and rubs it and suddenly a genie appears.
The genie says, "I am the most powerful genie that ever existed. I have done wonderful things in my time and I can grant you your dearest wish. But only one wish."
The accountant is a deeply caring person. He pulls out a map of the Mediterranean and says, "My dearest wish is that you solve the Middle East problem".
The genie strokes his beard and looks worried. "Oh dear, that's a bottler. Those people have been fighting each other for centuries. Everybody has tried to solve that problem without success. I'm not sure I can do any better. You'd better have another wish."
"All right," says the accountant. "The Tax Office have asked me to redesign the Business Activity Statement so that everyone can understand it. Can you help me with that?"
There is a long silence. Finally the genie says, "Let's have a look at that map again."

The young accounting graduate, fresh out of uni and knowing everything, applied for his first job. The prospective employer asked him what starting salary he was looking for.
"Oh, around $100,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
"Well, how does this sound? Five weeks annual leave, 22.5% superannuation, paid expenses to overseas conferences every year, home telephone reimbursed and a company car replaced every 20,000 kilometres, say a Mercedes convertible."
The graduate sat up straight and tried not to look excited. "Wow. Are you kidding?"
"Yeah. But you started it."

20 REASONS WHY I HAVEN'T LODGED MY INCOME TAX RETURN YET
1. I have lost my glasses.
2. I have been saving up for the tax.
3. I have been saving up for the accountant's fee.
4. I can't find the address of the Tax Office.
5. I can't understand Tax Pack.
6. My accountant has gone on holidays
7. The boss won't give me my group certificate.
8. My records were eaten by the dog.
9. My teenage sister smoked my group certificate.
10. My mother-in-law lined the bird cage with my receipts.
11. My son used the books for paper mache at school.
12. I don't have a tax file number.
13. I am too embarrassed to ask the kids what their dates of birth are, because I forgot.
14. I have a note from my Mum that says I'm exempt.
15. My doctor says it would cause me too much stress to finish it.
16. The computer crashed.
17. I have too many kids to fit them all on the form.
18. I can't remember my middle name.
19. I am over the age limit.
20. I am waiting until I finish my accounting degree.

The company personnel department had carefully interviewed thirty-eight people for the job of assistant to the financial director.
The chief executive thought that one candidate - Charles - seemed ideal. Charles had been to a major public school. Not only was he a qualified accountant, but Charles also had a masters degree in business administration. He seemed fully aware of the latest creative accountancy techniques.
'Charles,' said the chief executive, we've decided to offer you the job. And as you're so well qualified we've decided to start you off on a slightly higher salary than the one advertised. We'll pay you 36,000 pounds a year.
'Thank you,' replied Charles. 'But how much is that per month?'